Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buck naked

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

I’m being attacked 😭

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.