Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*