I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
You Might Also Like
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.