I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Family Celebrity
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My blood type is coffee.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Smile they said.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.