I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.