Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

I forgot how to panic. Help

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

💀💀💀💀

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.