I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Sorted
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I need a headline like this
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
