I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
The future is now.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow