I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.