Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

wut hotdog?

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money