I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
New skill unlocked
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana