I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow