I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Ha
