Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.