I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Peace was never an option
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.