I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.