Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..