Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

🙀🙀🙀😹

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me