Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

huge if true: the moon

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

idk flipping houses looks really hard

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?