Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.