Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.