I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
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Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Barbie gone wild
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
*checks Timeline*…
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad