Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

Brands during Pride

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect