I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
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*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
be safe out there!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.