I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
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I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.