I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
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Oops I deleted….
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:![]()
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario