Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

this will hang in the louvre one day

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people