I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
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CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji