I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
You Might Also Like
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now