I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
How many? 🤔
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together