Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ooops wrong house😂😜

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck