I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
mom gave me mine for free
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…