I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
I bet
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Pigeon open mic night.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only