I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
just having fun
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that