I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
the Monday after daylight savings
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
