Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

i want enemies

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back