I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
LMAO
