I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
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Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
was Jim off killing horses or…
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Ferrari squats
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.