Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

haha same

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

edward fingerhands

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”