Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

“Wait, let me explain..”

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.