Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

😆this is so true

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up