Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

[canadians at you, canadianly]

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup