I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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