i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
