i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?