I was once killed by a shark escalator.
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Saturday
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[classified ads]
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@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say