I was once killed by a shark escalator.
You Might Also Like
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.