Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.

So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

They’re the worst 😩

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.