Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Okay this one takes it home

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

found a horse’s reddit account

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

@funTweeters I am at your service….

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.