Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous