Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?