I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
You Might Also Like
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists