Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

This is my pinned tweet

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.