Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?