Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

started wrapping my pills in cheese

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.