@leifromloihi

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

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@BriarSlyMadness

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

@CuriousZelda

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

@markydoodoo

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

@Mechaniz10

I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

@sixfootcandy

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

@KMoFlo_official

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

@iwearaonesie

“you yelled ‘this is not my daddy!’ when i picked you up to leave the store. you’re lucky i let you live”

-how dad signs my birthday cards

@Izianikapani

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

@McMcmadmac

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

@Tbone7219

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.