i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.


I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare


Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.


I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.


(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.


8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.


“you yelled ‘this is not my daddy!’ when i picked you up to leave the store. you’re lucky i let you live”

-how dad signs my birthday cards


Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.


My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!


I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.