Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Bruh PLEASE

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

There’s only one good girl here!

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911