I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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Love thy neighbor’s dog
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
eggs benadryl
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.