Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

🤣😈🤣

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.