Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this