I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.