I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming