I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.