I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius