I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
No.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex