I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Europe. Made in Germany.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.