Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*