I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
You Might Also Like
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.