Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.