I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
*sewing*
A thread
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream