Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

The cashier just checked me out.

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again