Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”