Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

my name if I was in the mob

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.