I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
🤣
