I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Always…
