I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
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*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
This kinda thing happens to me often
