I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me too door. Me too.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Tell the colonel to bring it
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: