Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??