Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made