Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.