Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Proctologist = Analyst

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”