Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

whatcha thinkin bout

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

A completely valid reaction tbh

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”